Dating with Children

Well, I am back to blogging.  I had some things that distracted me from it for a while.  Hope those of you that read are as excited as I am to be back in action!  Tonight, I want to talk about dating with children.

When it comes to dating when you have a child, there are so many things to consider.  Things like when you should introduce your new partner to your child, how this will affect them, the feeling of a lack of attention, what happens if it doesn't work, your partner's children (if they have children), etc.  These things and many more are very important.

Relationships can begin and end, but your relationship with your child is FOREVER!  I was in a relationship recently, and well, it didn't work out.  The problem, is that my daughter got attached, and she got hurt too.  Unfortunately, there is no way to protect a child from everything, but I felt bad that she was hurt.  She asks questions about my ex, and it sucks to tell her that she wont be back.  

Is there a good time frame for introducing your child to a new lover?  I waited almost three months before they met.  Our relationship got a bit more serious, and well, I wanted to include my ex in my life completely.  So for me, the three months seemed like plenty.  

Looking at it now, I wish I would have been more careful.  My daughter is very attention driven.  Having a woman around takes some of my attention away from the munchkin.  Is that fair to her?  No.  Is staying single and not having that adult company fair to me?  No.  So where is the line?  I, like many people, get into a relationship, and devote my heart to that person.  Sadly, I think I devoted too much, and might have made my daughter feel less important. She was looking for attention and would tend to throw more fits than usual.  At the time, I was blinded to that fact by the relationship I was in.  

After that relationship ended, my daughter has asked about my ex.  She gets upset, and thinks that they aren't friends any more.  That's tough, what do I say?  The only thing I can really say is, "Well honey, she isn't going to be coming around anymore.  You are still friends, and she does care about you"  I tell her "It's not your fault, but her and I just aren't able to make it work"  The problem is, that my four year old doesn't quite understand.

The good thing, is that now we have more one on one time together.  And she really enjoys that!  Truthfully, we both do!  

Beyond those feelings though, there are more underlying issues.  If you're dating, and have a child from a prior relationship, there is always the other parent.  The other parent may feel as though you are trying to replace them in your child's life.  This can be dangerous.  It can cause you and the other parent to have additional disagreements, which are not good for your child.  Last thing two separated parents need are more reasons to argue, especially in the presence of the child.

On top of this, the new lover might have issues with you having to deal with your child's other parent.  Man, that's not fun at ALL!  First of all, unless you are living together or planning to get married, its really none of your partner's business how you handle things with your child's other parent.  Plain and simple.  But if they care about you, and your child, it will come up.  Sadly though, they probably don't completely understand the situation and it's delicate nature.  They may have a different point of view on the way things work.  No fun for anyone.

Another difficult thing about dating with a child is that it can change the routine your child is used to.  My daughter THRIVES on having a routine.  During my most recent relationship, that routine was compromised.  I found myself giving in more, letting her stay up later, and letting her get away with things that she wouldn't have gotten away with if I were single.  I lost track of my priorities.

Simply put, dating with children can be VERY difficult.  

It can be even harder when your new partner has a child as well.  In my situation, she did.  Her son was 2 years younger, and a really cool kid to be honest.  Now, it was great at times because Aubrie had a friend around.  She had another child to play with and bond with.  But, it wasn't always good.  Sometimes, she seemed a bit jealous that I would give my ex's child attention.  At other times, she wanted to fight with him.  Over toys, attention, pretty much anything.  This was stressful on ALL OF US.  Even worse when she decided to act down to a lower age, rather than being a big girl and setting a good example.

Now, it can really be wonderful to have that new lover and a second child around.  Doing family activities like coloring Easter eggs, or going to the amusement park for a day.... that's things can be really awesome!  Taking them to family gathering together can be really awesome.  Even a trip to the park can be GREAT.  No need to be afraid, just careful.

BUT.... there is one thing, however, that is completely unacceptable in my mind; addressing someone else's

Nobody wants to sit around and be single.  We all want, and frankly, need someone to love, and someone to love us back.  We need that company, that adult conversation, that feeling of desire and appreciation.  Love is amazing, falling in love is amazing, and we ALL deserve it.  But we have to remember that when dating with children we are not the only person involved.  Our child needs love, attention and time just like we do.  Our child wants to have someone show them the love they want to show in return.

So........................

When is it right to introduce a new lover?  How do you keep your child from getting hurt?  What is the best way to get two children of different relationships to get along consistently?  How do you get your child to understand that it is okay when or if a relationship ends?  How do you give time to a new partner and their children without compromising any time with your own?  How do you know if its a good fit?

Well, unfortunately, there is no "dating with children" instruction manual, I don't know the answers to those questions. But, if I ever figure out the magic key, I'll pass it on!  :)  

Thanks for reading!

Chris