Let Them Live, Let them Learn!

Children are educated by what the grown-up is and not by his talk.

~ Carl Jung

If you give a man a fish, you feed them for a day.  If you teach a man to fish, you feed them for a lifetime.

~ Chinese Proverb

I started this post with a couple quotes because I feel they are entirely true.  We as parents need to live as examples, not just as teachers.  When I child goes to school, they will get plenty of lectures.  But what they really need, are the people they look up to most setting good examples for them.

As I was growing up, my dad never told me how to live, he showed me.  I’m 27 now, and he is still my idol, my hero and the man I want to be most like.  He was and still is an amazing father and man in general. 

I look at my dad as a parent, and see that every day I am more and more like him.  He was always there for me.  He taught me the value of hard work, and how to appreciate what you work for, not by telling me to, but by doing it.  He showed me, never told me, how to do things.  Now sure, there were times where a short lecture was necessary, but what I really learned from were the things he did and the way he did them. 

At the same time, my father was there to catch me when I fell, but was never hesitant to let me fall.  He could have stopped me from every stupid little thing I ever did, but then, would I have made the mistakes and learned from them?  Absolutely not.  You cannot protect someone from every little thing the world throws at them, but you can support them, and help them through it. 

Another thing, my dad did for me as an example, was showed me the importance of life enriching activities, the importance of love and care and the lack of necessity for material items.  He never spoiled me with fancy things; he spoiled me with love, with life and with dedication.  Now sure, we all want the fancy stuff right?  Sure, but if you want it…. You have to WORK FOR IT.  This is why I had a job at 14.  My dad would provide me what I needed, but would always make sure I knew that if I wanted something more, then I would be responsible for the difference. 

So I look at my relationship with lil’ miss Aubrie, and see that, she, like any child, responds better to actions rather than words.  Its funny, cause even though she isn’t my blood, she is SO MUCH like me.  She wants to do the same things I do, just cause I am doing them.  She wants to say the same things just because I am saying them.  It’s cute, scary, but cute. 

As I notice this behavior, it is extremely important that I take note of what I am doing and how I’m living.  For example, if I brush my teeth every morning, and then again at night before bed, it’s astonishing how easy it is to get her to do it too.  In fact, she usually wants to stand right next to me in the bathroom, and will even brush the same ways I do.  

On a not so positive note, she picks up my bad habits too.  When she sees me drinking a soda, guess what she wants to drink?  That’s right, you nailed it…. SODA.  If I let a word I shouldn’t have said slip… guess what her little mouth utters?  That’s right, the same thing I said, but wouldn’t want her too.  A child is a sponge, and any little example we set, or any little choice of words, they will most likely follow and say.  Gotta be careful, they may not always listen, but they do observe.

At this point, the munchkin is still pretty young, but I see myself often letting her learn on her own.  Sometimes, she gets frustrated, but that doesn’t mean I just step right in, fix the problem, and let he move on.  Sure, I will help her through it, but if I do it for her, she will never learn.  Here, I’ll give you and example…… Just this morning, she was having trouble getting her shirt right.  It’s a cute shirt, with two little buttons at the top in the center.  I could see the frustration building, and I watched her get mad, and throw a fit. 

She looked at me and said, “Daddy do it”

I replied, “No honey, you’re a big girl, you can do it”

She said the word I hate to hear most….. “No, I CANT”

And man, do I really dislike that word. 

So I looked back with a smile, and said, “Yes baby, you can.  Don’t get mad, try again”

After a few tries, she was still unsuccessful.  She was, at this point, very upset, and ready to rip the shirt off.  She said, “Daddy, I can’t do it, I can’t do it”

So, after letting her struggle some, I said, “If you would like help, ask for it.”

She looked at me kind of funny, and said, “Please, can you help please”  (Always a please first, and another please after)

I said, “Okay baby, I can help.”

I grabbed the hole, and said, “Okay, Ill hold it, you put the button in”

And at last, we had a button done!  After the first one, she wanted to do the second one on her own, so I let her.  She accomplished the task and got a big high five. 

Now, I could’ve just done the buttons, avoided the fit, and left quickly this morning, but I didn’t.  I took the time to let her learn.  She learned that getting frustrated only makes it more difficult.  She learned that asking for help is better than demanding it.  And in the end, she did her own button. 

I guess what I am saying is that we as parents are here to protect our children.  We are here to make sure they can be functioning members of society when they grow up and step out on their own.  But, if we provide everything for them, if we always tell them how to live, if we always spoon-feed them and never allow them to learn and live, then how can they every truly live?