Answering the Tough Questions

There comes a time when every parent will have to answer the tough questions.  No, I'm not talking about "Where do baby's come from?" or "Is Santa Clause real?".  I'm talking about the REALLY tough questions, which I am sure will be different for EVERY parent, single or not.

Lately, I have been thinking about how I will answer questions like "Why didn't you marry mommy?" or "Who is my real daddy?" or "Why do I see mommy so much less than you?"

Granted, my daughter is only 4, and those questions are still far from becoming an issue, I still can't help but wonder how I will answer them among others.  I struggle with how to answer these types of questions honestly without bashing, bad mouthing, or tarnishing the image of her mother.

Of the three questions listed above, "Why didn't you marry mommy?" is probably the easiest.  Our relationship was unhappy, unhealthy and it lacked the love that was necessary to allow it to grow.  We tried to make it work, for Aubrie's sake, but it was just not right.  It wouldn't have been fair to any of the three of us to be in an unhappy household.  At the time, i still wanted to make it work, as I was clinging to the idea that we should be a family, however; looking back, it is better this way.  I can only hope that Aubrie will see the explanation as reasonable and fair.

But sadly, some questions are far more difficult than others.  For example, with the "Who is my real daddy?" question... what can I say that is honest, but not negative?  I refuse to be the parent that sets out to make mom look bad.  I don't want Aubrie to resent her over it.  But that is a tough line to walk.  I mean, the subject will come up eventually, as much as I try to avoid it.

Truthfully,  I do feel it is fair for her to know.   Obviously, I will tell her that I was unaware that she wasn't mine until she was beyond two years old.  And I would tell her that it all came out during court, which was unavoidable.

The tough part is, I don't really know the answer completely myself.  Was I lied to the entire time?  Perhaps I was, perhaps mom really didn't know, and actually thought I was her real father.  I know what my OPINION is, based on how I think she would have handled it, but that is exactly that.... an opinion.  I don't want to put my opinion in Aubrie's head, she should learn the "facts" and form her own.  This too is difficult, because what if the facts are twisted, and her opinion ends up being based on false truths if you will.  What happens then?

The best thing I can tell Aubrie in this situation is........

"Aubrie, it is true, I am not your biological father, but I AM your daddy.  I love you, and no amount of blood could ever change that.  You were born my daughter, and I will always treat you as such.  I don't know exactly what really happened.  But when mom was pregnant and told me I was your father... I made the choice to stand up and be there for you.  When I found out you weren't mine, I felt no different.  I watched you grow, I raised you, and I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!  As for your biological father, I do not know him personally."

Is that a fair answer?  Was that honest?  Did I give enough without hurting anyone else?  I think so. I hope so!

The third question above is challenging as well.  This question can be answered with facts and it is likely to be the first one to be asked.   The problem here is that this is harder to avoid without making another person look bad.  I don't want to say "Mommy was doing this, and in turn that happened.  But how do I explain the issues?  Do I tell her very truthfully what exactly made things the way they are?  I know what mom's answer would be... as I have been accused of trying to hurt her since day one.  But the truth is, her choices resulted in consequences.  Sadly those consequences can in turn hurt Aubrie.

The best answer I can come up with is.....

"Mommy made some poor choices.  She did things that I am sure she is not proud of.  So I felt I had to do what was best in protecting you and providing for you.  I only want what is best for you, and that means that we have to live this way for now."

I still feel that in telling her like that, I will appear to be trying to "bash" mom.  It is not my intention by any means, but I cannot lie to my daughter.  I don't want to drop bombs on her with exact details, but I also do not want to sugar coat a thing.  How will she learn that there are consequences for actions without seeing that there really are?

I guess what I really need to know is....

Are there ever good answers to the REALLY TOUGH QUESTIONS?  I can try and try to come up with the right way to say it, but I cant help but wonder if there really is a right way.  As I said above, I want my daughter to be able to form her own opinions without anyone pushing her one way or another.  The best thing I can do is control my answers and actions and hope she can see the truth in them.  No matter what the tough question is, no matter how painful the thoughts might be, she deserves the honest truth.

On a side note....

Aubrie will be moving up into the Pre-K classroom at Primrose next monday!  She will have Kindergarten curriculum and will be wearing uniforms 4 days of the week.  I think I might be more excited than she is. HA HA HA.  Also, I think that she will be challenged more in the next level, which could help to combat some of the recently developed behavior issues.  Only time will tell.  Either way, its exciting.  Her last year before entering a going to an actual public Kindergarten program!  Wow, she is growing TOO FAST!

Don't worry, I will post some pictures of her cute self, in her cute Primrose uniforms, next week.


Thanks for reading!

Chris